“Avengers: Age of Ultron” Review: A Great Movie (Just Kidding, It Was Terrible. Really, Really Terrible)


Yay! Superheroes! GUbn;ouqwteba;w3tanw3ta0wvasdp’bzdlrk!

But seriously. I’ve never once filmed a Hollywood-produced movie. I’ve never written a script for one. But I DO enjoy writing reviews, so here’s one you should read:

First of all, Joss Whedon. Wow. What a writer/director. I love all of his things. ALL OF THEM. Except this thing. The first Avengers movie was fantastic. The right amount of CGI, the right amount of superheroes and the right amount of length (of film) for the right amount of story. From the moment I heard of his progress on the Avengers sequel, I was disappointed. He was getting trigger-happy with those “right amounts” of things. And then, when the hundreds of character posters were released for promotion, I was even more disappointed. There should only be one or two posters released, per movie. This should be a general rule. I don’t want my Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Reddit and Tumlbr feeds/accounts to be overloaded with all of these characters from the movie. I’ve got other movie reviews to read, danggit! Which leads us to my second point…

…Too MANY superheroes! How in the absolute heck did Whedon and MARVEL manage to convince themselves that a superhero sequel needed more superheroes? The first movie had only six. Okay, seven if you count the villain (Loki) as “super”. Technically, eight, then, because of Thanos, but he wasn’t even in the movie until the last second. But this movie headlined seven characters as just the good guys – not to mention the Ultron program, the J.A.R.V.I.S. program/The Vision and the twins (Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch). *SPOILERS* Oh, and also Maria Hill and Nick Fury (who, technically aren’t “super”) and Heimdall (via a flash-forward/sideways/whatever). And another appearance of Thanos. *END OF SPOILERS*
Seriously – there were too many. I couldn’t get involved with the plot, with all the superheroes that were constantly on-screen. Honestly. I felt like – if anything – there was NO connection between me and Scarlett Johansson at all. What about the civilian the Hawkeye tries to save (technically not a spoiler, because I don’t mention if he/she dies or not)? What about their backstory? I’d be more interested in finding out what happen in his/her life to get him/her to the place where (<redacted>) for the…you know what? Forget it – it’s too hard to not spoil anything. In the future, let’s stick to one or two superheroes (like the Spider-Man or Incredible Hulk stand-alone movies) and not get lost in our own success.

Let’s move on to the cinematic aspect of the movie. The green screens. Green screens for miles. “Hey Joss: This is the Avengers sequel. Not The Green Mile.” (Ha. Brilliant.) How am I supposed to watch a movie that isn’t realistic? I can understand editing in Tony’s HUD in his helmet, but the explosions could’ve been in-house. I mean, J.J. Abrams is doing it with Star Wars: The Force Awakens – trying to make everything as realistic as possible, so why can’t MARVEL?
And the amount of stuff filling the frame – TOO MUCH! There is too much stuff in every shot. There are too many characters, too much happening, I didn’t get a chance to catch all the jokes and MCU easter eggs the first time through, so it’s almost like you WANT to make me have to go back and see it a second and/or third time! AAHHHH! So frustrating!

I’m going to level with you folks: You know what frustrates me the most? This is a comic-book movie. In order to understand it, you need to know the comics and know the sub-text and know all the characters and what every twelfth word references. They didn’t tell you that in the previews or on ALL THOSE POSTERS either. You’re just supposed to…know. Just like that. That is why this movie gets a D- rating from me. That is why it’ll never win an Oscar award for Best Picture. And that is disappointing because Whedon is better than this. He’s smarter and he’s letting himself and his fans down, with this garbage movie. It’s like watching…something…you should never be watching.

Maybe he should just stick to what he’s good with. Like, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., for example.

On another note, click HERE to help fund my kickstarter for a fresh take on the Cinderella story entitled: “Were This Pumpkin A Carriage, That I Could Use To Escape“. It’s going to star all people you’ve never heard of. Admission charge will be a paper copy of a movie you’ve written, yourself.

Ignore the picture above. “Rotten Tomatoes” is filled with filmmaker wannabes who don’t know Jack Flag from Jack Sparrow.
Questions? Thoughts? Take a minute and leave a comment below.
Follow me on:
–> Twitter at  @rempelMasters
–> Google+ at +ChrisRempel


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